What the....?: Oh, Okay.

Hey besties! I hope all is well. I have been away for a long time. How do I explain this in the best way possible? ✨BRAIN ROT✨

I’ll get back to that later. For now, let’s get into my lore. Guess who got an ADHD diagnosis recently??? Me! Lol. Where and how do I start? Anyway, for the past 3 weeks, I realized that I was doing absolutely nothing. Nothing productive. There are times when I do my work but this time??? It was rather concerning and the feeling was sickening. My brain hit its limit and I realized that I needed to seek help. I have always suspected that I had ADHD. I mean, I read about it and the signs and symptoms were looking quite familiar. And it’s not something that just shows up one day…it is a life long situation…like from childhood.

I have always been feeling things and doing things but I did not have the words. Writing about this might not let me give you the whole picture. My mind is still in shock. Considering to seek help has been a very long process. My friend, Lisa, once told me, “I think you have ADHD.” Tbh, she could be the only person who really saw me as I struggled and guided me, without judgement. I cry whenever I think about that. She lives with the condition too and she is such a smart and kind babe. May the gods bless her heart.

Before I considered going to see a psychiatrist, I had some fears and doubts. “What if they don’t understand me?” “What if they say I’m just lazy?” etc. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to understand my own experience and accept that I need help. Probably because I have been gaslighted my whole life. Finding out that my feelings and actions were valid and not my fault. Finding out that I’m not lazy, I’m ✨mentally ill✨ was crazy.

It has been like a whole lifetime getting to this point and I feel so happy. I created this account so that I can write, so that I communicate to anyone willing to listen and relate. But because of the earlier mentioned brainrot, I couldn’t be consistent. I was doomscrolling on my socials and not doing any meaningful work. I felt like a bird in a cage, a spacious cage where I could escape but I couldn’t make up my mind to do so. So, I went to get my diagnosis on a random Wednesday morning because I was struggling with burnout and mental exhaustion. I wasn’t doing anything. I’m in grad school…something that I manifested for and really wanted but I wasn’t keeping up with.

Learning is one of my favorite things to do. I simply fail to exist without it. I have been masking the ADHD until my brain could not take it anymore. Being diagnosed at 24 or at an age beyond when you are supposed to be takes a toll on you. I once said that ADHD makes us eulogize ourselves yet we are still alive. We think about the time when we needed help but we had no idea. We think about what we could have been, had we known earlier. We sit with the feeling that we could have done so much more, if we had the clarity.

I have so much to say, but I will probably continue in the next post, when I can. I have prayed for clarity at the beginning of the month, I got it. With my diagnosis and medication, I feel relieved and affirmed. I am ready to put in the work to feel better. I am ready to witness my best self and work towards helping others find clarity too. Otherwise, I love you bestiessss. Thanks for reading. See you soon when the battle is lost and won. (This is a reference from the prophecy of the 3 witches in Shakespeare’s “Macbeth”)

This song even feels more relatable now:

https://open.spotify.com/track/2mzM4Y0Rnx2BDZqRnhQ5Q6?si=V0VXCskfQGeelZtCzG1cjQ